#Twinning!

Phoebe Lotz talks about growing up with a twin sister.

The common reply I hear when I first meet someone and tell them about myself is “Oh my gosh, you have a twin? That must be so cool!” To which I respond “Yeah, I know right. She’s my best friend.”

Which Sophie is, but at times, (and I’m sure she would agree,) she’s been my worst enemy.

However it is with this enemy that I learnt we are all gifted with different lessons from the experiences we are given, such as whether you live in the country, are an only child or have divorced parents. My lesson teaches me how to handle comparison; from my twin, from others and from myself.

Realisation 1: We choose the competitors in our pool

I will never compare myself to my brother. He doesn’t have any of the characteristics to swim in my race. Henry is a rural bloke, who loves his tractors, his family, friends, jumping from high jump rocks, seeing how humanly fast he can ski down High Noon at Thredbo, and motorbikes. He went to an All Boys school; beetle shoes and boater hats… things that don’t really resonate with me.

So that’s the thing – I feel no desire to get every gun, truck and tractor license available, or rev my Ute to impress the ladies… that’s his stuff. I appreciate that he likes doing that.

Then you get to the ones that are like you. Your age. Similar friends. Maybe their hair is a little bit blonder than yours and they are a little better than you in English, (but it’s all good because you’re fairly sure you ranked higher than them in PDH.) For many of us who haven’t mastered the art of looking ahead in our own lane, we all have a little bit of a competitive edge. Who doesn’t love to win? Even in the smallest of races?

Realisation 2: We are not the same.

This is where we get to my twin, Sophie. We aren’t identical but growing up you would think we were. Two piggy tails on the tops of our heads, matching denim overalls with little embroidered flowers and we both had the same best friend called Lara. This was not by choice, in fact, whoever was more outspoken at the time chose the direction we took. When Mum asked which sport we wanted to play, my mind glanced at soccer, but Sophie said netball first. I did try soccer, but the boys weren’t very good at sharing the ball, so to the local club we went, “two netball dresses please.” When I said I’d choose French as my elective language for year 7, we all decided it was best when at a new school that Sophie and I stuck together. So, Sophie joined along as well.

I loved French, still do. Had a knack for it. Sophie wanted to love it but found it wasn’t her “thing” – (one which she would later discover is Chemistry and Maths.) Thinking back, I remember Sophie feeling frustrated that she couldn’t nail French, similar to when I saw her success in Maths, I was frustrated that I couldn’t match her and feeling any sort of inferiority made me want to win.

We hated those external questions – “So who is better at maths?” “Who is more likely to get a leadership position?” Then the internal ones, “Is she more confident than me?” “Which twin do you think they like more?” And we despised answering them.  It was hard to admit that one was better than another at the same thing. We couldn’t be equal. But why?

Well it’s simple! We are two entirely different people! It took way too much time to realise we didn’t have to be sewn at the hip. And so we moved on, treating each other as merely two friends that met at conception, that’s it.

Realisation 3: I don’t want to be anything like you.

Upon realising we can be good at different things, we became somewhat allergic to the idea of ever being compared in the same field ever again. This came to a subject combination of French, French Extension, PDH, Art (Me) and then Drama, Chemistry, Biology, Maths Extension (Her.) In a good way, we did our own things FINALLY, but in a bad way, I think we kind of avoided doing anything similar. Whether we would have enjoyed it or not. Because we hate being compared, and we also hate not winning a race. It’s easier to not compete in the same one.

Realisation 4: It’s about gratitude, appreciation and balance. 

I now reside in college, 335km away from my home. Sophie has taken a gap year, earning some money, having the home time we never had being at boarding school. We are doing completely different things which is great. I have my own identity now. Now I’m “Phoebe”, not “Sophie’s twin.” It feels fantastic.

But in all honesty, I miss her a lot. We have since realised that allowing ourselves to be compared by each other, but also our friends and family tainted the friendship we have.

At times we missed out on appreciating the beauty in the smallest of our shared quirks, like how we both fall into a conversation with ourselves while driving. Notice ourselves and stop. Then continue driving all embarrassed, even though no one is there.

One thing I’ve learnt down my particular route is – Yes, a bit of competition is always healthy, not just with a twin but with anyone in your swimming pool. University, college, sport. Comparison has the power to be a motivator, but too much may cause detriment to your own self appreciation and the potential friendships you could form with like minded people. I realise that when it comes to your competitive edge, it’s important to inform our choices around whether we want to do it, basing it off interest and strength. Don’t be motivated to try it or avoid it, because someone else is doing it. Just do your own thing.

As I finish, I’ll conclude in a way that would win you any primary school captain speech, ending with a short cheesy quote that my year 6 teacher “Mr M” once left for me.

“Be the best version of yourself.”